"Do you have this stuff at your house? In your room?"
"Casey Anthony was never a mom. Her baby was a demon that showed up on her doorstep and forced her to care for her. Also, the parents were in on it. And the baby forced Casey to have sex with her Defense Attorney. And also the baby never died. That was a different baby found in the woods. Kaley Anthony still lives among us. Luring in the shadows. Waiting. Stalking. Preying.”
"Could I get a pack of American spirits, a powerball, and I killed a guy?"
"1920 x 1080 px
Stevie Leigh Crutcher
"Tried to steal the Declaration of Independence, but accidentally stole the Bill of Rights like a moron.
"You sing beautifully when you're in the shower."
Patrick Henry Dollah
"Chuck enough fat clouds to rebuild heaven."
"All dogs talk, they just have to make sure humans don't find out.
Seth McFarland knows this is true and that is the only reason he keeps making Family Guy.”
“Mom secretly knows that I didn’t brush my teeth some nights.”
"There is no Thanksgiving, only Zuul."
E. Marvin Johnson
“Ronald Reagan was actually a robot.”
“Neil Armstrong never actually set foot on Mars.”
“My college education will eventually benefit me.”
"A photopoll question to which I have no witty answer."
"Racism. No - giant scorpion.”
"When you’re high, the word ‘the’ can be hilarious.”
"To steal the pink panther diamond."
"To feature at more clubs."
“A monster made of commitment.”
"You look just like my daughter. She doesn't talk to me anymore. You wouldn't betray your mom like that, right?"
"Why don't you bring as many presents to the poor kids in my neighborhood?."
“Whenever you see me out in public, it's not really me.”
"I’m really 87 years old.....cheers to kombucha.”
"Will Isenberg is actually a murder-robot reprogrammed to do stand-up comedy by Joel Osteen.”
"Trix, actually, are NOT for kids.”
“Wyoming is not real. By that I mean its portrayal as a normal low-population state is a lie by the government. Wyoming is a barren wasteland with underground bunkers hiding all of the U.S.'s dirty secrets. This includes: Aliens, genetically mutated animals, and the "missing" socks from our laundry.”
"All Quentin Tarantino movies were directed by the same guy.”
"Man Vs Dumpster: An Urban Camping Survival Guide."
Tucker James Rowan
"Ice Road Tucker- Menthol cigarettes and pork cracklins.
"Set fire to Donald Trump's comb-over.
"A. To sleep in more. B. To sleep in MORE SUPERMODELS. C. To sleep. (answer: A. & C.)"
“Lev Simmons is actually the rapper Jack Harlow.”
"Do you work here often? How's your mom doin'?"
“The entire band Coldplay is also the Blue Man Group.”
"Neo Neo-ball-itan: A carton of three different flavors of ice cream. Chocolate, vanilla and balls. On the box, there is a picture of Keanu Reeves."