“Serpentor In GI Joe the animated movie yells: ‘Cobra-lalalalala’ for a battle cry. ”That’s pretty good.”
“The end of Jim Downey's speech in Billy Madison: ‘I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.’”
"The constant sex and admiration.”
"Casey Anthony was never a mom. Her baby was a demon that showed up on her doorstep and forced her to care for her. Also, the parents were in on it. And the baby forced Casey to have sex with her Defense Attorney. And also the baby never died. That was a different baby found in the woods. Kaley Anthony still lives among us. Luring in the shadows. Waiting. Stalking. Preying.”
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"You sing beautifully when you're in the shower."
“Grandstanding on philosophical comedy posts.”
"Laziness. Jokes that are only funny if you're completely unfamiliar with the subject, jokes that don't challenge an audience in any way, jokes that have been done a thousand times and you're not adding anything fresh. ”
"I want to wear flip flops and shorts but all the tight asses say you can't. Deal with my gross legs and feet. I'm not trying to make you look at my gross dick.”
“The fact that I have to leave my house to do it.”
"There is no Thanksgiving, only Zuul."
"The fact that no one laughs at my zizek joke."
E. Marvin Johnson
“Comedians who’ve been doing comedy for less than a year who believe they should be headlining.”
“People who call out other comics on social media. (Ryan, I’m looking at you).”
“When the mic stand is 5 feet taller than you.”
"When comics test jokes on you without telling you.”
"Racism. No - giant scorpion.”
"Try not to fuck other comics.”
"To feature at more clubs."
“A monster made of commitment.”
"Same as Samantha Haack. + talking to people. + staying up late."
"You can get booked on the roast battle."
"Fat Kid Drowned."
"All these pesky fans.”
“Shauna Jungdahl’s answer, but the opposite.”
“When you tell a joke and a booking agent doesn't interrupt your set, offering you a sold-out set at Madison Square Garden."
“None of the cute guys are single.”
"Man Vs Dumpster: An Urban Camping Survival Guide."
“Rusch Bag: How I Got Clean.”
“This baby comic scribbles all the advice down and then anxiously agonizes between which are serious and which are witty.”
"A. To sleep in more. B. To sleep in MORE SUPERMODELS. C. To sleep. (answer: A. & C.)"
"When people say you’re funny and then try to have sex with you instead of just coming to your shows and laughing."
"Do standup to make your alcoholism feel productive.”
“I don't like that Dan Bacula doesn't go by Dracula. I lose sleep over it constantly.”
"Neo Neo-ball-itan: A carton of three different flavors of ice cream. Chocolate, vanilla and balls. On the box, there is a picture of Keanu Reeves."
“Start every joke with ‘A little bit about me.’”
"9/11 was an Italian Job.”
“Lev Simmons is actually the rapper Jack Harlow.”
"‘Honey, I shrunk the kids!’ From Kindergarten Cop, IIRC.”