"Create a thorough business plan. And if after that tedium when you’re looking over the CBA, projections, and returns you still wanna do it probably maybe just shruggingly okay sure give it a just, you know, go ahead and I don’t know I guess try it.”
"Record audio of all sets, listen to them the next morning at work and write down the high/lowlights to decide what gets kept/dropped.”
"Casey Anthony was never a mom. Her baby was a demon that showed up on her doorstep and forced her to care for her. Also, the parents were in on it. And the baby forced Casey to have sex with her Defense Attorney. And also the baby never died. That was a different baby found in the woods. Kaley Anthony still lives among us. Luring in the shadows. Waiting. Stalking. Preying.”
"Could I get a pack of American spirits, a powerball, and I killed a guy?"
"1920 x 1080 px
"You sing beautifully when you're in the shower."
Patrick Henry Dollah
"All dogs talk, they just have to make sure humans don't find out.
Seth McFarland knows this is true and that is the only reason he keeps making Family Guy.”
"There is no Thanksgiving, only Zuul."
E. Marvin Johnson
“My Way Vs. the Highway. (The Highway Wins.)”
“Be patient. It can take weeks or even months of open mics to get your first Netflix special.”
“Little Girl, You’re Scaring Me: A Life and Times.”
"It's far more enjoyable if you learn to be proud of your friends."
"Racism. No - giant scorpion.”
"Try not to fuck other comics.”
"Just Another Opinionated Ass."
"To feature at more clubs."
“A monster made of commitment.”
"Venmo me $5 and I'll give you the secrets to comedy. Venmo me $10 and I'll give you the secrets to comedy and a shower pic."
“No one can see you behind the mic stand.”
"You can get booked on the roast battle."
"Fat Kid Drowned."
“Whenever you see me out in public, it's not really me.”
"Just remember that everyone is in it for themselves. Keep your head down and keep hustling. One day, they might actually like you.”
"Cautionary Tales: A Guide of What Not to Do with Your Life.”
“If the voices in your head think you're funny, that's all that matters.”
“Wyoming is not real. By that I mean its portrayal as a normal low-population state is a lie by the government. Wyoming is a barren wasteland with underground bunkers hiding all of the U.S.'s dirty secrets. This includes: Aliens, genetically mutated animals, and the "missing" socks from our laundry.”
"All Quentin Tarantino movies were directed by the same guy.”
"Man Vs Dumpster: An Urban Camping Survival Guide."
“Rusch Bag: How I Got Clean.”
“This baby comic scribbles all the advice down and then anxiously agonizes between which are serious and which are witty.”
"A. To sleep in more. B. To sleep in MORE SUPERMODELS. C. To sleep. (answer: A. & C.)"
“Lev Simmons is actually the rapper Jack Harlow.”
"Giving a Shit, and Taking One Too."
"Do standup to make your alcoholism feel productive.”
"Neo Neo-ball-itan: A carton of three different flavors of ice cream. Chocolate, vanilla and balls. On the box, there is a picture of Keanu Reeves."