Create a thorough business plan. And if after that tedium when you’re looking over the CBA, projections, and returns you still wanna do it probably maybe just shruggingly okay sure give it a just, you know, go ahead and I don’t know I guess try it
“The end of Jim Downey's speech in Billy Madison: ‘I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.’”
William Wayne Byrd
“Go up as much as possible, record your sets, make yourself uncomfortable onstage, and write everyday.”
“Record audio of all sets, listen to them the next morning at work and write down the high/lowlights to decide what gets kept/dropped.”
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"You sing beautifully when you're in the shower."
“Grandstanding on philosophical comedy posts.”
"Laziness. Jokes that are only funny if you're completely unfamiliar with the subject, jokes that don't challenge an audience in any way, jokes that have been done a thousand times and you're not adding anything fresh. ”
"I want to wear flip flops and shorts but all the tight asses say you can't. Deal with my gross legs and feet. I'm not trying to make you look at my gross dick.”
“The fact that I have to leave my house to do it.”
"There is no Thanksgiving, only Zuul."
E. Marvin Johnson
“Comedians who’ve been doing comedy for less than a year who believe they should be headlining.”
“Be patient. It can take weeks or even months of open mics to get your first Netflix special.”
“When the mic stand is 5 feet taller than you.”
“It's far more enjoyable if you learn to be proud of your friends.”
"Racism. No - giant scorpion.”
“Try not to fuck other comics.”
"To feature at more clubs."
“A monster made of commitment.”
“Venmo me $5 and I'll give you the secrets to comedy. Venmo me $10 and I'll give you the secrets to comedy and a shower pic.”
“No one can see you behind the mic stand.”
"You can get booked on the roast battle."
"Fat Kid Drowned."
“Just remember that everyone is in it for themselves. Keep your head down and keep hustling. One day, they might actually like you.”
“Shauna Jungdahl’s answer, but the opposite.”
“If the voices in your head think you're funny, that's all that matters.”
“None of the cute guys are single.”
"Man Vs Dumpster: An Urban Camping Survival Guide."
“Rusch Bag: How I Got Clean.”
“This baby comic scribbles all the advice down and then anxiously agonizes between which are serious and which are witty.”
"A. To sleep in more. B. To sleep in MORE SUPERMODELS. C. To sleep. (answer: A. & C.)"
"When people say you’re funny and then try to have sex with you instead of just coming to your shows and laughing."
“Do standup to make your alcoholism feel productive.”
“I don't like that Dan Bacula doesn't go by Dracula. I lose sleep over it constantly.”
"Neo Neo-ball-itan: A carton of three different flavors of ice cream. Chocolate, vanilla and balls. On the box, there is a picture of Keanu Reeves."
“Start every joke with ‘A little bit about me.’”
"9/11 was an Italian Job.”
“Lev Simmons is actually the rapper Jack Harlow.”
"‘Honey, I shrunk the kids!’ From Kindergarten Cop, IIRC.”