“Serpentor In GI Joe the animated movie yells: ‘Cobra-lalalalala’ for a battle cry. ”That’s pretty good.”
“The end of Jim Downey's speech in Billy Madison: ‘I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.’”
"You own gloves, correct?"
"I lease with an option to buy."
-Chevy Chase // Fletch
"Casey Anthony was never a mom. Her baby was a demon that showed up on her doorstep and forced her to care for her. Also, the parents were in on it. And the baby forced Casey to have sex with her Defense Attorney. And also the baby never died. That was a different baby found in the woods. Kaley Anthony still lives among us. Luring in the shadows. Waiting. Stalking. Preying.”
"Could I get a pack of American spirits, a powerball, and I killed a guy?"
"1920 x 1080 px
"You sing beautifully when you're in the shower."
Patrick Henry Dollah
"Hey where all the white women at?" from Blazing Saddles is tough to beat, but I think my personal favorite is from a scene in Dirty Work. Norm MacDonald is playing a prank on a fraternity by calling them up and warning them about some people dressed in police uniforms who go around claiming to be investigating noise complaints in order to rob houses. But, he emphasizes, they're not real cops. Then, immediately after hanging up, he dials another number and says ‘Hello, Real Cops?’”
"All dogs talk, they just have to make sure humans don't find out.
Seth McFarland knows this is true and that is the only reason he keeps making Family Guy.”
"There is no Thanksgiving, only Zuul."
E. Marvin Johnson
“My Way Vs. the Highway. (The Highway Wins.)”
“Be patient. It can take weeks or even months of open mics to get your first Netflix special.”
“Little Girl, You’re Scaring Me: A Life and Times.”
"Not necessarily the funniest, but for years, the way I'd integrate myself at parties is by walking up to a random circle of people and saying, ‘Oh, Billy boy. When are you going to find whatever it is you're looking for?’ 90% of the time, people would shout, ‘Here's a nice piece of shit!’ and BAM! Instant friends.”
"Racism. No - giant scorpion.”
"Try not to fuck other comics.”
"Just Another Opinionated Ass."
"To feature at more clubs."
“A monster made of commitment.”
"Venmo me $5 and I'll give you the secrets to comedy. Venmo me $10 and I'll give you the secrets to comedy and a shower pic."
"‘That baby can talk?!’ - Look Who's Talking Too.”
"You can get booked on the roast battle."
"Fat Kid Drowned."
“Whenever you see me out in public, it's not really me.”
"Just remember that everyone is in it for themselves. Keep your head down and keep hustling. One day, they might actually like you.”
"Cautionary Tales: A Guide of What Not to Do with Your Life.”
“The scene in Raging Bull where Robert DeNiro asks Joe Pesci if he slept with his wife. Pesci responds with ‘Where do you get your balls big enough to ask me that?’"
“Gotta be Borat when he (in a real, non-acting rodeo crowd) said ‘May George Bush drink the blood of every man, woman, and child in Iraq" to thunderous applause.’”
"Man Vs Dumpster: An Urban Camping Survival Guide."
“Rusch Bag: How I Got Clean.”
“This baby comic scribbles all the advice down and then anxiously agonizes between which are serious and which are witty.”
"A. To sleep in more. B. To sleep in MORE SUPERMODELS. C. To sleep. (answer: A. & C.)"
"Giving a Shit, and Taking One Too."
"Do standup to make your alcoholism feel productive.”
"Neo Neo-ball-itan: A carton of three different flavors of ice cream. Chocolate, vanilla and balls. On the box, there is a picture of Keanu Reeves."
“Start every joke with ‘A little bit about me.’”
"9/11 was an Italian Job.”
“Lev Simmons is actually the rapper Jack Harlow.”
"‘Honey, I shrunk the kids!’ From Kindergarten Cop, IIRC.”