"They would be certain I’d assumed the role of The Punisher, but only got as far as minor assault against someone who was talking too loud about something I thought was stupid.
"Diddling but the good kind."
"Football on a big screen, beer in one hand, another beer in the other hand. Also beer in the fridge."
"I'm gonna try to set these oxen free.
"1920 x 1080 px
Stevie Leigh Crutcher
"Tried to steal the Declaration of Independence, but accidentally stole the Bill of Rights like a moron.
Patrick Henry Dollah
"An unwashed chainsmoker with explosive diarrhea making a meal of food-processor-fresh horseradish and old fish in a laboratory where they synthesize new and unusual thiols.
"Chuck enough fat clouds to rebuild heaven."
"There is no Thanksgiving, only Zuul."
"My family would think whatever charges against me were a liberal conspiracy. This is one reason I moved to Madison."
E. Marvin Johnson
Burning flesh and burning hair.
"Go on a diet, you fat fuck."
"To do less comedy."
"I get to sit down and my parents don't see how sad I am."
"What's the one with the stamps?"
" I think it would be cool to have this wonderfully carefree morning, perfect temps, sunny, and trippin' on mushrooms in NYC at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade with ALL of the people I love, lunch at some paradise of food buffets, then to be teleported home to finish the day smoking weed and watching tele. Maybe some "doin' it" later with someone, if I'm not too full still."
"To steal the pink panther diamond."
"To feature at more clubs."
"Hiccups. For both speed and decibel.
"Why don't you bring as many presents to the poor kids in my neighborhood?."
"First, I'd have all the traditional Thanksgiving food. Turkey, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, pumpkin pie. I'd have a rustic, wholesome dinner with my family all collaborating to cook, consume, and clean up after the meal.
And then, just like the Pilgrims did, I'd eat a punch of ergot-tainted wheat and just trip out of my skull for a couple hours."
"Critiquing the typography on a drink menu by suggesting the bartender beat their meat-digited designer to death with their own MacBook Pro.
"I told the cops firefighters were way better."
"Triggered the libs."
"Man Vs Dumpster: An Urban Camping Survival Guide."
Tucker James Rowan
"Ice Road Tucker- Menthol cigarettes and pork cracklins.
"Set fire to Donald Trump's comb-over.
"A. To sleep in more. B. To sleep in MORE SUPERMODELS. C. To sleep. (answer: A. & C.)"
"Neo Neo-ball-itan: A carton of three different flavors of ice cream. Chocolate, vanilla and balls. On the box, there is a picture of Keanu Reeves."
"To do my kegels so I can literally break a dick in half."
"Are you hiring?
"For having the most deadly flower known to humankind. Kind buds."